We're just... waiting.
::::ommmmmmm::::
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Okay
I'm okay, maybe just feeling a little sheepish.
Rich and I were talking last night, and I made him chuckle when I admitted that this was certainly not the first time I'd been quite certain that I was pregnant, and then wasn't. I probably singlehandedly kept early pregnancy test manufacturers in business during the mid-to-late 1990's and even into the early years of this decade.
I'll go on record right now and say this: it really is frustrating that so many early pregnancy symptoms are identical to PMS symptoms. I think many women will agree with me. Mother Nature, can you please work on that?
My approach is different this month. And the change I'm making was successful in making my two kids. When we tried to conceive our first child, the first month didn't work, but the second month did. What changed? I kept a temperature chart the second month. Religiously. And when we decided we were ready for a second kid, I charted again, and got pregnant pretty much instantly. (The added benefit? The temperature chart told me I was pregnant, and I only used one test with each pregnancy.)
That was a decade ago, when the internet was still pretty new. Nowadays (I think using that word just aged me at least two decades), there are so many resources online to help couples chart, plan, and hash out every detail of a possible pregnancy. Honestly, it's a bit overwhelming.
So I'm sticking to plain old Excel. Which is on my pocket pc. Which is old. And that's fine with me.
Rich and I were talking last night, and I made him chuckle when I admitted that this was certainly not the first time I'd been quite certain that I was pregnant, and then wasn't. I probably singlehandedly kept early pregnancy test manufacturers in business during the mid-to-late 1990's and even into the early years of this decade.
I'll go on record right now and say this: it really is frustrating that so many early pregnancy symptoms are identical to PMS symptoms. I think many women will agree with me. Mother Nature, can you please work on that?
My approach is different this month. And the change I'm making was successful in making my two kids. When we tried to conceive our first child, the first month didn't work, but the second month did. What changed? I kept a temperature chart the second month. Religiously. And when we decided we were ready for a second kid, I charted again, and got pregnant pretty much instantly. (The added benefit? The temperature chart told me I was pregnant, and I only used one test with each pregnancy.)
That was a decade ago, when the internet was still pretty new. Nowadays (I think using that word just aged me at least two decades), there are so many resources online to help couples chart, plan, and hash out every detail of a possible pregnancy. Honestly, it's a bit overwhelming.
So I'm sticking to plain old Excel. Which is on my pocket pc. Which is old. And that's fine with me.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Smiling Through a Sniffle
When Kaleigh let us know this morning that not only did she get a negative, but got her period right on top of it, I wasn't devastated. I was sad for her, and I was sad for the possibilities... but somehow it was ok.
All is right with the world at the moment.
I just hope it is right in Kaleigh's world, too. She is emotionally invested in this, and I want her to be as accepting of this month's outcome as we are. Kaleigh? You doing alright?
I want to reach out with huge, open arms and gather her close and tell her, "It really is ok..." and that, with her grace, and Rich's forbearance... we would like to try again.
You *are* love, no matter the outcome, no matter the choices we must make.
Crash and I did have a *lovely* remainder of the morning and afternoon. We had a terrific church service, went out for our favorite Indian food, spent a fortune at Costco, came home, napped... and found deep physical joy in one another... and spent a long time just murmuring quiet things to each other and touching gently first here, then there. There's a reason we want to have a baby... but if we don't there's a compelling reason behind it all that we're together - that that is at least as important.... and the foundation for what is to come, no matter what it is, no?
All is right with the world at the moment.
I just hope it is right in Kaleigh's world, too. She is emotionally invested in this, and I want her to be as accepting of this month's outcome as we are. Kaleigh? You doing alright?
I want to reach out with huge, open arms and gather her close and tell her, "It really is ok..." and that, with her grace, and Rich's forbearance... we would like to try again.
You *are* love, no matter the outcome, no matter the choices we must make.
Crash and I did have a *lovely* remainder of the morning and afternoon. We had a terrific church service, went out for our favorite Indian food, spent a fortune at Costco, came home, napped... and found deep physical joy in one another... and spent a long time just murmuring quiet things to each other and touching gently first here, then there. There's a reason we want to have a baby... but if we don't there's a compelling reason behind it all that we're together - that that is at least as important.... and the foundation for what is to come, no matter what it is, no?
Friday, September 19, 2008
Tomorrow, Tomorrow....
Well, I just delivered a three-pack of Walgreen's pregnancy tests to Kaleigh.
Tomorrow's the day. Eeek.
And Kaleigh is being a goof and won't tell us until we get to church tomorrow! LOL Talk about pauses for dramatic effect!! If she's carrying an envelope tomorrow morning, we'll know it's positive. This is like a spy movie (The spotted dog is in the whirlpool). Or a game of Clue (The butler in the pantry with the candlestick). :::laughing:::
Sat down at her house and talked for about half an hour... avoiding the elephant in the room at all costs. ::giggle:: I'm now back home working on homework and grading. As you can see.
On the more practical side of things, several days ago, at the request of one of my advisers, I made out a flowchart to map the course of the rest of my PhD - basically the dissertation from where I am now to the end. The next two years, essentially.
Well, that may change, eh?
:::waiting for Crash to get home from playing a concert so he can hold my hand:::
Tomorrow's the day. Eeek.
And Kaleigh is being a goof and won't tell us until we get to church tomorrow! LOL Talk about pauses for dramatic effect!! If she's carrying an envelope tomorrow morning, we'll know it's positive. This is like a spy movie (The spotted dog is in the whirlpool). Or a game of Clue (The butler in the pantry with the candlestick). :::laughing:::
Sat down at her house and talked for about half an hour... avoiding the elephant in the room at all costs. ::giggle:: I'm now back home working on homework and grading. As you can see.
On the more practical side of things, several days ago, at the request of one of my advisers, I made out a flowchart to map the course of the rest of my PhD - basically the dissertation from where I am now to the end. The next two years, essentially.
Well, that may change, eh?
:::waiting for Crash to get home from playing a concert so he can hold my hand:::
Realism
I've gone back and read my posts and realized that I have been full of all this la-la joy and hope - perhaps too much. But, a large part of that is that I had a *really* good summer and am *very* happy in my doctoral work right now - I've just been having an incredibly good summer and fall so far. This opportunity - no matter if it works out or not - is simply a part of it, and - whether it works out or not - will be remembered more fondly than I can tell you simply because of the love and generosity that has gone into it. Does that make sense to you?
Meantime, as I told Kaleigh in the notes to her last post - we have prepared ourselves quite thoroughly for the possibility that this didn't work out this time. We're pragmatic that way. We have gone from not a snowball's chance in hell to a *possibility* - no matter how great or slim - and that is a very interesting place to be in. It's not quite fully emotionally invested, yet it *is* very much a part of our lives and thoughts right now. We speak of it nearly every night - but softly - and I know it is something that is a touchstone - but as I said above, it is as much because of the love and generosity of the act as anything else. Kaleigh and Rich are offering something deeply precious - an opportunity for life itself. That's not something that comes along every day, yanno?
So, pending each hour's changes - whether or not Kaleigh gets a period between now and Sunday morning, when she takes a pregnancy test... well, we'll all be in this place of suspended animation, neither here nor there.
And that's ok. ::smile:: Part of being here is all about lovingkindness - and that cannot be understimated.
Kaleigh? I love you.
Meantime, as I told Kaleigh in the notes to her last post - we have prepared ourselves quite thoroughly for the possibility that this didn't work out this time. We're pragmatic that way. We have gone from not a snowball's chance in hell to a *possibility* - no matter how great or slim - and that is a very interesting place to be in. It's not quite fully emotionally invested, yet it *is* very much a part of our lives and thoughts right now. We speak of it nearly every night - but softly - and I know it is something that is a touchstone - but as I said above, it is as much because of the love and generosity of the act as anything else. Kaleigh and Rich are offering something deeply precious - an opportunity for life itself. That's not something that comes along every day, yanno?
So, pending each hour's changes - whether or not Kaleigh gets a period between now and Sunday morning, when she takes a pregnancy test... well, we'll all be in this place of suspended animation, neither here nor there.
And that's ok. ::smile:: Part of being here is all about lovingkindness - and that cannot be understimated.
Kaleigh? I love you.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
On the other side of the table
I haven't wanted a period to stay away this much in a long time.
There's a part of me that wishes I hadn't mentioned my suspicions and possible early pregnancy symptoms. I would be so very sad if I got their hopes up that things had gone so very, very well, and then had to deliver bad news. Statistically, it's only 25-30% likely that we hit the jackpot the first month.
But yet.
It's been ten years since I experienced pregnant symptoms, and true enough, lots of the early symptoms are pretty identical to PMS. But what my body has been telling me for the past ten days or so is familiar, in that distant way that says, "I've done this, about ten years ago."
And now I'm late. Which doesn't happen often...maybe once a year, at most. I'm late, and I'm not having some of my more usual PMS symptoms. I haven't had any urge to cry. I don't want chocolate. I'm staying away from wine. And there are some really bad smells in the world.
I did cave and take a test Monday - too early, I know - and it was negative. I braced myself and hoped that if my period did start, that it would start soon, rather than continue the waiting. Much easier on all involved if it didn't delay.
But I'm late, and the symptoms are getting less PMS and more pregnant. Oh, and my temperature shows no sign of dropping.
Maybe it means something. Dr. Google sure thinks so.
There's a part of me that wishes I hadn't mentioned my suspicions and possible early pregnancy symptoms. I would be so very sad if I got their hopes up that things had gone so very, very well, and then had to deliver bad news. Statistically, it's only 25-30% likely that we hit the jackpot the first month.
But yet.
It's been ten years since I experienced pregnant symptoms, and true enough, lots of the early symptoms are pretty identical to PMS. But what my body has been telling me for the past ten days or so is familiar, in that distant way that says, "I've done this, about ten years ago."
And now I'm late. Which doesn't happen often...maybe once a year, at most. I'm late, and I'm not having some of my more usual PMS symptoms. I haven't had any urge to cry. I don't want chocolate. I'm staying away from wine. And there are some really bad smells in the world.
I did cave and take a test Monday - too early, I know - and it was negative. I braced myself and hoped that if my period did start, that it would start soon, rather than continue the waiting. Much easier on all involved if it didn't delay.
But I'm late, and the symptoms are getting less PMS and more pregnant. Oh, and my temperature shows no sign of dropping.
Maybe it means something. Dr. Google sure thinks so.
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